To those who read my blog,
I continually find myself in awkward situations because a) I am an awkward guy, and b) some of the things I hold myself to go really against the norm. And I’m not just talking about the norm of society, because as a Christian, sometimes I am called to go against the norm of society. For example, I hold myself to the old practice of ‘no sex before marriage’ and it is here where I want to dwell for a moment because the reality is that I have given up and have failed at keeping that rule, but found a way to protect myself from breaking that rule again.
When I was 17, I committed this one act and I was distraught about it. I went to my friend Steve and he and I prayed a lot about it. Coming out of that time of prayer, I had more of an understanding of why I did what I did. It was a progression for me. When I started hugging someone, I only thought about hugging, but when I started kissing someone, I thought about how I could take it to the next step. Once I got to that next step, I would think about how I can take it to the next step. For me, kissing just caused me to go into areas I did not want to go into.
At this point I want to really emphasize something: for me, kissing caused me to go into areas I did not want to go into. I do not think less of people when they kiss, and in fact on a small level, I envy them. I would like nothing more than to share a kiss with someone, but it’s not wise for me to do so. I am very aware of my sexuality and how much I enjoy it, so no kissing became a safeguard for me against the situations that would encourage me to go further.
Well, I thought about this for a little while and lived it out as well, and I realized something; I was hugging a lot of my female friends. I really love hugs and I was willing to hug each and every one of my female friends. This thought disturbed me because I was concerned with what I would be able to give to my future girlfriend. I can’t kiss her, so that leaves snuggling, hand holding, and hugs. But if I am hugging every other girl around me as well, then there goes another thing that is special between the two of us. So I decided that there would be no hugs between female friends.
Now a story of awkwardness! Because, really, if you’re following my blogs for any length of time, you will know me to be an awkward guy. Also, most people who look at my blogs already know me and know that I am an awkward guy.
So last night at swing dancing, my amazing swing teacher goes in for a hug and I kind of shift my body to the side to do a side thing. She seemed a little put off by this and I told her I don’t really do hugs, but I do high fives (and I proceeded to give her a high five). That’s right! Joshua T. Aitkenhead will dance the night away with you, but when it comes to a good-bye hug, he will get all weird and detached. I know there’s a site called f my life and I also know of my life is average and (I kid you not) my life is twilight, but do they have a my life is awkward and if so, do they already know of me?
Well, I am currently reading Sex God by Rob Bell and last night I finished a chapter called Angels and Animals. The chapter was basically about how a lot of people go to two extremes. They either go in one direction and give in to their sexual appetites all the time and thereby act like animals, or they go in the opposite direction and act like angles (who were not made for sex) and abstain from anything completely. It was there that I felt quite challenged.
You see, I know how I act when I start kissing, I know where my mind goes and it is not good, so I stay away from it… but then a question came into my mind of “am I just trying to be the angel”? I don’t think so, because I don’t view sex as a bad thing. I view it as a thing that should be saved for marriage, but not as a bad thing. Of course I am learning to live in this tension of what is good for me and what is not. And it is tension. Every time some new female friend offers me a hug, I have to question if this is really right or if I am just overreacting. I think I am right in doing this, but it is hard a lot of times. Oh well, such is life.
Yeah… so that is my awkward talk about sex and kissing and blah blah blah. I hope it gives you insight to some of the stuff I am wrestling with. I have no real answers for anyone who might be struggling with this themselves, but maybe my story can be an inspiration to some of you…
- Joshua
2 comments:
I applaud you for recognizing this and making a choice not to kiss before marriage. So many people draw a line concerning what's okay and then try to get as close as they can without crossing it, whereas your decision really exemplifies fleeing from sexual immorality.
Joshua, I'm quite encouraged by your attempt at seeking righteousness. I'm actually seeking the same thing as far as the 'no kissing' rule, although it's also difficult not to turn this into some legalistic thing. I understand your struggle with physical contact and the such as well. It's very difficult, especially coming into a relationship already holding this view. I found myself quickly willing to make exceptions once I was in the infatuation stage. Unfortunately, I can't offer any outcome because I'm in the middle of it all now, but I would encourage you to look so radically different than the world. A few references: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." -Romans 12:2 "Flee from sexual immorality..." -1 Corinthians 6:18 "...It is good for a man not to touch a woman." -1 Corinthians 7:1 (KJV)
The last verse can be interpreted differently (marriage/sexual relations) but the point is clear, be radical in how you handle things before marriage. It's difficult to justify much biblically because simply put, the bible offers nothing on "dating" because dating didn't really come along until cars came. But it is very clear to "flee from all sexual immorality." Be encouraged and seek righteousness!
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