Sad Day

To those who follow my blog,

Today is a sad day for me. I don't know why it's a sad day, though. I think it has something to do with me not working out today (that usually makes me feel better) or just the lack of snow, but today is a sad day.

I also think it may have to do with a few realizations I've come to. Sometimes, the right thing to do is unbearably hard. Waiting out the tough times I suppose is what makes us who we are, but in these times, I feel so frustrated. I wish that I didn't have morals or God guiding me (not to say I'm following His path perfectly anyways). I wish I could just give in, do the wrong thing and get over it.

Why does life have to be so confusing? Why do my desires have to be continuous and overbearing? Why am I my worst enemy? If I choose one path, it leads to ruin, and if I choose the other, it leads to destruction. One situation is favorable to get rid of my emotions that are plaguing me, and the other situation is favorable for another desirable outcome but would keep my sad feelings in tact and part of my life.

Now don't misunderstand the meaning behind this blog post. It is not so I can get advice on this very personal issue that I will not reveal the true nature of. It is to try and wrap my mind around this issue and really come to grips with what I feel to be at the center of Christianity: the tension.

The tension asks the question "How can I truly love the homeless, when I have an extra room in my house?", or the question "How can I eat my big mac when I say that I truly care about the hungry?". It also speaks to my situation, though you would not know how.

We live in a very specific time: the now and not yet. The Kingdom of God is now. His Spirit is upon us. He is here to deliver us from the pain of everyday life. His healing presence is so apparent. The Kingdom is not yet. He is not with us and although He can bring healing to every situation, He doesn't. He lets us work through issues and He lets us be sad and He lets us be frustrated.

On the one hand, God is with us, but on the other, He is not and it's frustrating because if He is with us, we can just go to Him about everything, but because He is also not He won't solve everything. My longing for this situation to be resolved is great, but I suppose my patients should be greater.

On a happier note, I do have blessing in my life. I get to go home for Christmas for the first time since I came out to Alberta. I am really excited to see my family and know what they are up too.

Anyways, I've bored you all enough. One last thing before I go, however. I am going to start posting my sermons on my blog. I don't know if my sermons really will help you in what you're going through, but hopefully they can, and hey, if nothing else, at least you might get some food for thought.

- Joshua